Friends
Have you ever been stabbed in the back
By someone you thought was really cool
Did they steal your heart or was it money
Or was it lies they told
Strangers just disguised as your friends
Never again cause now you know
That friends will let you down
Friends wont be around
When you need them most
Where are your friend
Friends are hard to find
Friends, yours and mine
Im talkin ‘bout your friends.
Smiles they hide behind
Never know whats on their mind
Could be true deception
Jealousy and envy reign
They never want to see you get ahead
They just hold you backJody Watley- Friends
I broke up with a friend today. It was very Seinfeld-esque. It even happened in a dinner. We were friends for 10 years. I used to joke that we had a give-take relationship — I would give, and she would take. But after 10 years, it wasn’t so funny anymore. I couldn’t let someone keep emotionally draining or taking advantage, or making me feel worse about me.
Because of my age, I have gone through this a few times already. You have friends who marry and have kids that you simply grow apart from. It’s a constant evolving process. For good or for bad, that’s what it is. Sometimes, you realize that the “friends” you surround yourself with have ulterior motives. Breaking up with a friend isn’t something new, but it always comes with that sense of loss, that sense of wishing you could go back in time when things were how they used to be — the memories, laughter, the ability to talk/text/IM all day with ease, knowing you weren’t intruding on their day.
Losing and gaining friends is a part of life, like death and taxes. When I was younger, I thought the friends I made, would be friends forever. Things changed. People got married; some of them had kids. We had a lot less in common. The awkwardness overcame the ease that once allowed us to enjoy each other’s company without having to do too much. Then it became work, and I don’t need a second job.
Recently, Mo made a post about friends and her clearing out some dead wood. Besides having gone through this several times, I had this discussion with a friend of mine about what was going on in her life. She’s about 10 years younger than me. My friend’s life is in a different place than it was a few years ago, and the people who were close to her are no longer coming around. They had great times together — going out, drinking (cocktails have kept many a friendship intact), hanging out in NYC as twenty-something women. But my friend’s life took a drastic turn. She saw that these people were coming around less, and when they did, they mainly complained about their lives — meeting or not meeting men, such and such party, the scene at the latest restaurant, and who went home with who. It was all so inconsequential to what my friend was going through. She couldn’t relate to her former friends. It was obvious they had no interest in learning about what was going on in her life, since she was not the same person they were anymore.
I have gone through something similar. For me, it involved being hospitalized. There’s nothing like being in a hospital to see who your real friends are. There were plenty of text messages, like, “Will try and come by” or “I’m working a lot, see if I can stop by”. Work is too much? Really? I was in the hospital, and it wasn’t with a broken limb or minor cut. I looked at the people who came by day after day, and I knew who my real friends were. For me, there was a common theme — they are all people who grew up in New York like me. Some were friends from childhood; some were friends I’d met through the years. All are native New Yorkers. They seem to have different priorities; they seem to know what’s important. I’m not a Scientologist sociologist, but that was the common theme that kept coming through.
An old school New York guy I know once asked me, “Will you do me a favor?” I replied, “What’s the favor?” He said, “When a friend asks you for a favor, the answer should always be yes. A real friend would never ask for a favor that would put you in jeopardy or that you wouldn’t consider doing.” Now when anyone asks, “Can you do me a favor?” I always reply yes.
There are different categories of people in your life, including: drinking buddies (who can be a blast), people who always tell you what’s going on in their life but never ask about your life, people who never hang out in your apartment though you visit theirs, people who you learn have different agendas and motivations than you realized when you first met them…
Friends are different. For me, loyalty is a key component. It’s easy to have people around you when you’re on top. What separates the people you know from your friends is seeing who’s standing with you at your lowest point.
